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for Gabe maybe, and Gabe was a grown-up. The prurient moment passed
and Theo felt guilty about the way he had treated Molly: patronizing her
and condescending to her; the way many people treated him when he tried
to be something besides a pothead and puppet.
He kneeled down to a bookshelf filled with videotapes, found one labeled
KENDRA: WARRIOR BABE OF THE OUT
The Lust Lizard Of Melancholy Cove / 201
LAND (ENGLISH), and slipped it into the VCR and turned on the television.
Then he turned off the lights, laid his guns on the coffee table, and lay down
on Molly s couch to wait. He watched as the Crazy Lady of Pine Cove
battled mutants and Sand Pirates for half an hour before he drifted off to
sleep. His mind needed a deeper escape from his problems than the movie
could provide.
Hi, Theo.
He came awake startled. The movie was still casting a flickering light
over the room, so he couldn t have been sleeping that long. She stood in
the doorway, half in shadow, looking very much like the woman on the
television screen. She held an assault rifle at her side.
Molly, I ve been waiting for you.
How d you like it? She nodded toward the television.
Loved it. I never realized. I was just so tired&
Molly nodded. I won t be long, I just came to get some clean clothes.
You re welcome to stay here.
Theo didn t know what to do. It didn t seem like the time to grab one of
the pistols off the table. He felt more embarrassed than threatened.
Thanks, he said.
He s the last one, Theo. After him there aren t any more of his kind. His
time has passed. I think that s what we have in common. You don t know
what it is to be a has-been, do you?
I think I m what they call a never-was.
That s easier. At least you re always looking up the ladder, not down.
Coming down is scarier.
How? Why? What is he?
I m not sure, a dragon maybe. Who knows? She leaned back against
the doorway and sighed. But I can kinda tell what he s thinking. I guess
it s because I m nuts. Who would have thought that would come in handy,
huh?
202 / Christopher Moore
Don t say that about yourself. You re saner than I am.
Molly laughed, and Theo could see her movie-star teeth shine in the light
of the television. You re a neurotic, Theo. A neurotic is someone who
thinks something is wrong with him, but everyone else thinks he is normal;
a psychotic thinks something s wrong with her. Take a poll of the locals, I
think I d come out in the latter category, don t you?
Molly, this is really dangerous stuff you re messing with.
He won t hurt me.
It s not just that. You could go to jail just for having that machine gun,
Molly. People are getting killed, aren t they?
In a manner of speaking.
That s what happened to Joseph Leander, and the guys working the
drug lab, right? Your pal ate them?
They were going to hurt you, and Steve was hungry. Seemed like great
timing to me.
Molly, that s murder!
Theo! I m nuts. What are they going to do to me?
Theo shrugged his shoulders and sat back on the couch. I don t know
what to do.
You re not in a position to do anything right now. Get some rest.
Theo cradled his head in his hands. His cell phone, still in the pocket of
his flannel shirt, began ringing. I could sure use a hit right now.
There s some Smurfs of Sanity in the cupboard over the sink neuro-
leptics Dr. Val gave me, antipsychotics they ve done wonders for me.
Obviously.
Your phone is ringing.
Theo pulled out the phone, flipped it open, hit the answer button and
watched as the incoming number ap
The Lust Lizard Of Melancholy Cove / 203
peared on the display. It was Sheriff Burton s cell phone number. Theo hit
disconnect.
I m fucked, Theo said.
Molly picked up Theo s .357 Magnum from the table, held it on Theo,
then picked up Joseph Leander s automatic. I ll give these back before I
go. I m going to get some clean clothes and some girlie things out of my
bedroom. You be okay here?
Yeah, sure. His head was still hung. He spoke into his lap.
You re bumming me out, Theo.
Sorry.
Molly was gone from the room for only five minutes, in which time Theo
tried to get a handle on what had happened. Molly returned with a duffel
bag slung over her shoulder. She was wearing the Kendra costume, com-
plete with thigh-high boots. Even in the dim light from the television, Theo
could see a ragged scar over her breast. She caught him looking.
Ended my career, she said. I suppose now they could fix it, but it s a
little late.
I m sorry, Theo said. I think you look beautiful.
She smiled and shifted both of the pistols to one hand. She d left the as-
sault rifle by the door and Theo hadn t even noticed. You ever feel special,
Theo?
Special?
Not like you re better than everyone else, just that you re different in a
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